NOTICE OF RETURN

 

Issued in solemn warning, this…………………..day of………………………. .

To the neighbours, relatives and friends of……………………………………………

“Lock your women in their rooms”

“Fill the fridge with beer”

“Get his civvies out of mothballs”

Very soon the above named will be in your midst once more, dehydrated, radioactive, sex

starved and demoralised. Eager to regain his place in society as a human being, fully entitled

to liberty and justice whilst engaged in the somewhat delayed pursuit of happiness.

In making your joyous preparations to welcome him back to civilisation you must make

some allowances for the crude environment which has been his unfortunate lot for these

past few months. In brief, he may have become a trifle Oriental in his outlook on life, he

will probably be suffering from the common complaints of Rashitis, Sweatitis and worst of

all Dogitis, or even the shakes!!!!(a more common local complaint brought on by the

consumption of too much TIGER or SAN MIGUEL Beer).

Therefore, show no alarm if he prefers to sit on the floor instead of a chair, always kicks

off his shoes against the steps before entering the house, Wears only a towel and flip-flops

when visiting the neighbours, has an epileptic fit at the sight of a coconut, or has a tendency

to salute anyone of importance. Side track him from partially filled coaches, for he will most

certainly regard them as organised tours to the local brewery.

His diet, to which he has grown accustomed, should for the first few weeks at least,

consist of tinned milk (watered down considerably), or powered milk as the case may be,

dehydrated potatoes or other canned vegetables, fresh or rich foods, especially fresh milk

should be avoided for the first few weeks and then be introduced gradually. His only meat

should be corned beef, by the occasional slice.

 

Do not allow him on the roads unaccompanied, for it will prove his undoing traffic he

has long since forgotten, and rather that walk anywhere, he will sit on the pavement for long

hours waiting for some motorist to take pity on him and give him a lift.

Do all his shopping for him, gently establishing in his mind that all Bartering, arguing,

cajoling and even threatening (as a last resort) shopkeepers is taboo in your land of

civilisation. His language may be rather embarrassing at first, but in a relatively short time he

can be taught to speak good plain English once again. Never dare ask him why the boy down

the road has a higher Rank than him, and NEVER make flattering remarks about the Army

or RAF in his presence.

For the first few months, (until he has become house trained) be particularly watchful

when he is in the company of women, particularly young and beautiful Specimens. After

seeing women wooed by handsome men on the cinema screens, he thinks he is past master of

the art himself. His intentions will be sincere, although profoundly dishonourable. Keep in

mind that beneath this tanned and rugged exterior there beats a heart of gold, treasure this, as

it is the only thing of value that he has left.

And finally, treat him with kindness and tolerance and the occasional Quart of rum, or

whatever he fancies, and you will be able to rehabilitate that which is a hollow shell of the

happy man you once knew.

 

Signed………………………………………

E.B.CUMMING

Rehabilitation and Divisional Officer