Pompey Dockyard 1988, I am tasked on HMS Birmingham with my first ever Duty, with the responsibility for ensuring that the Officers Mess evening meal runs smoothly with expert professional service.
No worries, Soup starter, two choices of main and a Cheeseboard replacing the standard dessert.
Relishing the challenge with the aim of showing my boss I was competent to carry out the duty alone, I set about my preparation tasks and soon got to work on my cheeseboard. Opening the pantry fridge I was shocked to find no cheese whatsoever and with time now ticking away and the meal drawing ever closer, I decided to go down to the Galley below and see the Duty Chef who was now busy slaving away feeding the remainder of the Ships Company.
Mac, being a good lad, fellow shipmate and also from Sheffield was able to assist me. “There is some cheese over there on the side mate, help yourself.” Lifting the greaseproof back I noticed that this cheese was not the best I had seen, slightly stale in appearance and not the type associated with the usual varied selection which appear on the average cheeseboard. This was the cubed cheese which you find on cocktail sticks at finger buffets but that was the only cheese available. Mac was too busy to go rummaging in the Ships main fridge unit at this busy time and I had no other option but to use my creative flair with what cheese I had!
With steady hands I built a terrific pyramid that befitted the Great Pyramids of Giza in Egypt, cube by cube, and garnished all around the salver to finish the presentation. Pleased with my effort I set the cheeseboard to one side and continued with the evening meal.
Starter and main course now completed, evening meal running smoothly and wine flowing, the Officers Mess seemed content with me so far…
Now for the cheeseboard – With plates and biscuits already placed on the table, I prepared myself to steadily carry in the pyramid of cheese, each step carefully ensuring that my creation would not collapse before it reached the table. Suddenly the Officers’ wine flowing conversations all ceased and you could hear a pin drop!
“Egginton, what the hell is that??” asked the Executive Officer.
“It’s a cheeseboard Sir” I answered nervously. “I could not get any cheese from the fridge Sir. The chef is busy and the caterer has gone home, it’s the only cheese I could find Sir.”
I was quickly re-briefed by the entire Officers Mess of the fact that I am meant to order any items for meals that day first thing in the morning, now it was too late!
With the dining atmosphere now lowered by the lack of selection of cheeses, my pyramid had failed to receive any praise, my confidence was shattered and my creative ingenuity had not been recognised at all.
Filled with despair I left the Officers to finish their wine and make the most of what was left of a disappointing dining experience and headed back to the pantry to start cleaning down.
Suddenly there was an almighty roar and explosion of laughter from next door, and shouts of “Egginton!!”
With fear and dread now set in, added with the fact that I had no idea what had caused this chaotic outburst, I slowly peered around the door.
The whole table
was in fits of hysterical laughter at whatever had just happened. I was
clueless.
Until the Executive Officer spoke up again “Egginton you have excelled again, of
all my years within the Royal Navy I have never had a meal quite like this!”
“What is it Sir?” I nervously replied.
“It’s this cheeseboard Egginton, the strangest cheeseboard I have ever had the delight to experience.”
“Sorry Sir, but like I said, I couldn’t get any other cheese?”
“It’s not that” continued the Executive Officer “It’s the cheese you have used!”
“Why, what’s wrong with it Sir?”
“It’s not cheese,” he replied, “Its Swede!!”